I know, right? Seven months. How hard can this be? I mean, they’re short. And pudgy. And we’ve all done it countless times with our own children. Memories of our curtain climbers running barefoot in the snow don’t linger, so it couldn’t have been that hard. Have you ever heard the term “herding cats?” Yeah, it’s like that. We humans are survivors, conquerors, and as such, we tend to  exaggerate our successes and block out our failures. But if you follow these simple steps, you too can achieve the nigh impossible.

1. Lay baby on a stable platform, preferably a crib or a changing table.
2. Grab a sock. They’re little. Put fingers inside and prepare to stretch sock over the baby’s foot.
3. Release one hand to catch foot.
4. While holding foot, replace fingers inside sock and prepare to stre—
5. Release hand again and turn baby back over. Move all shiny objects out of baby’s line of site.
6. Catch foot.
7. While holding foot, replace fingers—
8. Roll baby back over. Move all non-shiny objects out of line of site.
9. Pick up sock.
10. Catch foot.
11. While holding foot—
12. Roll baby back over. Lay baby on blanket and wrap like a burrito so that baby is immobile. Leave feet exposed.
13. Pick up sock.
14. Catch foot.
15. While holding foot, replace fingers inside sock—
16. Roll baby back over.
17. Cast aside musings of a restraint system and call in backup.
18. Repeat steps 1 through 16.
19. Let baby go the afternoon without socks.