A much-requested collection of epigraphs found at the beginning of each chapter in Darynda’s books!
Chapter 1 ~ Better to see dead than be dead. —CHARLOTTE JEAN DAVIDSON, GRIM REAPER
Chapter 2 ~ So many dead people, so little time. —CHARLOTTE JEAN DAVIDSON
Chapter 3 ~ Never knock on death’s door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 4 ~ I love children, but I don’t think I can eat a whole one. —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 5 ~ Jenius. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 6 ~ ADD. A lifetime of distractions. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 7 ~ Genius has its limitations. Insanity … not so much. —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 8 ~ Guys have feelings, too. But like … who cares? —INSPIRATIONAL POSTER
Chapter 9~ You know you have ADD when— Look! A chicken!—T-SHIRT
Chapter 10 ~ Don’t fear the reaper. Just be very, very aware of her.—CHARLOTTE JEAN DAVIDSON
Chapter 11 ~ I’d have a longer attention span if there weren’t so many shiny things.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 12 ~ Reyes Farrow. Because perfection is a dirty job, but someone has to do it. —CHARLOTTE JEAN DAVIDSON
Chapter 13 ~ Well-behaved women rarely make history.—LAUREL THATCHER ULRICH
Chapter 14~ Well, this is awkward.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 15~ Life isn’t about finding yourself. It’s mostly about chocolate. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 16~ Sarcasm. Only one of the services offered. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 17~ Do not disturb. Already there. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 18~ When fighting clowns, always go for the juggler. —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 19~ I may not look like much, but I’m an expert at pretending to be a ninja. —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 20 ~ Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 21~ A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. —STEVEN WRIGHT
Chapter 1 ~ GRIM REAPERS ARE TO DIE FOR.—T-SHIRT OFTEN SEEN ON CHARLOTTE JEAN DAVIDSON, GRIM REAPER EXTRAORDINAIRE
Chapter 2 ~ DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS. NEVER CROSS THE STREAMS.—BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 3 ~ WITH GREAT BREASTS COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 4 ~ IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, IT’S GONNA GIVE YOU TROUBLE. —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 5 ~ WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH, TWICE? —T-SHIRT
Chapter 6 ~ NEVER BE AFRAID TO DART AROUND IN PUBLIC,HUMMING THE MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME SONG. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 7 ~ I STOPPED FIGHTING MY INNER DEMONS. WE’RE ON THE SAME SIDE NOW.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 8 ~ IS IT SEXY IN HERE OR IS IT JUST ME?—T-SHIRT
Chapter 9 ~ UPON THE ADVICE OF MY ATTORNEY,MY SHIRT BEARS NO MESSAGE AT THIS TIME.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 10 ~ I WAS AN ATHEIST UNTIL I REALIZED I WAS GOD. —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 11 ~ YOU CAN OBSERVE A LOT JUST BY WATCHING. —YOGI BERRA
Chapter 12 ~ YEAH, BUT WHAT IF LIFE HANDS ME PICKLES? —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 13 ~ DON’T GO BUYING TROUBLE. IT’S FREE AND IT KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 14~ SOME GIRLS WEAR PRADA. SOME GIRLS WEAR GLOCK 17 SHORT RECOIL SPRING-LOADED SEMIAUTOMATIC PISTOLS WITH A LOADED CHAMBER INDICATOR AND A NONSLIP GRIP. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 15~ WHERE AM I GOING AND WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS HANDBASKET?—BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 16~ NATIONAL SARCASM SOCIETY: LIKE WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT.—BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 17~ YOU KNOW THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE? I’M THAT.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 18~ IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED, FAILURE MAY BE YOUR THING.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 19~ JUST BECAUSE I DON’T CARE DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T UNDERSTAND.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 20~ THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF. AND SPIDERS. —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 1 ~ Death comes to those who wait. And to those who don’t. So either way … —CHARLOTTE JEAN DAVIDSON, GRIM REAPER
Chapter 2 ~ There is a great need for a sarcasm font. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 3 ~ Damn it, Jim!—T-SHIRT
Chapter 4 ~ Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 5 ~ I know karate, and like two other Japanese words. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 6 ~ Ask me about my complete lack of interest.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 7 ~ I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 8 ~ When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 9~ What would MacGyver do? —T-SHIRT
Chapter 10 ~ The police never find it as funny as you do. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 11 ~ Mistakes were made. Others were blamed.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 12 ~ Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 13 ~ A Nun’s Life: Chastity, poverty and obedience. Wait, chastity?—BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 14~ Time to make today my bitch. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 15~ If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is NOT for you.—BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 16~ There comes a moment when you know you just aren’t going to do anything else productive for the rest of the day. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 17~ Cleverly disguised as a responsible citizen.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 18~ There are very few personal problems that can’t be solved with a suitable application of high explosives.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 19~ I am an instrument God uses to annoy people.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 20~ Some days you’re the cat. Some days you’re the brand-new, suede leather Barcalounger.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 21~ I chose the road less traveled. Now I’m lost. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 22~ If all hell breaks loose, blame gremlins.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 23~ Seemed like a good idea at the time.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 24~ If life hands you lemons, keep them. Because, hey, free lemons.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 25~ An integral part of any best friend’s job is to immediately clear your computer history if you die. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 26~ Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 27~ Sorry about what happens later.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 1 ~ Only two things in life are certain. Guess which one I am. —CHARLEY DAVIDSON, GRIM REAPER
Chapter 2 ~ Doing nothing is hard. You never know when you’re done. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 3 ~ Welcome back. I see the assassins have failed.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 4 ~ You can’t fix stupid, but you can numb it with a 2 by 4.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 5 ~ Hi. I’m Trouble. I heard you were looking for me. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 6 ~ Why kill them with kindness when you can use an axe?—T-SHIRT
Chapter 7 ~ Happiness isn’t good enough. I demand euphoria! —T-SHIRT
Chapter 8 ~ Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time,and gets to know everyone personally.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 9~ Two drinks away from girl-on-girl action.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 10 ~ Facing your fears builds strength. But running away from them builds hamstrings.—BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 11 ~ Since killing people is illegal, can I have a Taser just for shits and giggles? —T-SHIRT
Chapter 12 ~ When I want your opinion, I’ll remove the duct tape. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 13 ~ Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster and with more energy.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 14~ Used Tombstone for Sale: Perfect for someone named Charlotte Davidson.—AD
Chapter 15~ Your existence gives me a headache. Go stand over there.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 16~ Don’t judge me because I’m quiet. No one plans a murder out loud.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 17~ I meant to behave. There were just too many other options.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 18~ That which doesn’t kill me had better run pretty darned fast.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 19~ When life hands you lemons say,“Lemons? What else have you got?”—BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 20~ It puts the lotion in the basket.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 1~ Ask me about life after death. —T-SHIRT OFTEN SEEN ON CHARLEY DAVIDSON, A GRIM REAPER OF QUESTIONABLE MORALS
Chapter 2~ I intend to live forever. So far, so good. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 3~ 667: The neighbor of the beast. —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 4~ I’m a virgin. But this is an old shirt. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 5~ I may not have any skeletons in my closet, but I do have a little box of souls in my sock drawer. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 6~ I’m not 100 percent certain, but I think my cup of coffee just said, “You’re my bitch.”—STATUS UPDATE
Chapter 7~ I am currently unsupervised. It freaks me out, too, but the possibilities are endless. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 8~ It’s all fun and games until someone loses a testicle. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 9~ Whoever is in charge of making sure I don’t do stupid shit is fired. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 10~ My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 11~ To save time, let’s assume I know everything. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 12~ Life is short. Buy the shoes. —INSPIRATIONAL POSTER
Chapter 13~ If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 14~ If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 15~ I’d rather be in Virginia. —T-SHIRT WORN OFTEN BY REYES FARROW
Chapter 16~ I don’t expect everything to be handed to me. Just set it down wherever.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 17~ By reading this, you have given me brief control over your mind.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 18~ What the world needs is more geniuses with humility. There are so few of us. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 19~ Never underestimate the power of a woman on a double espresso with a mocha latte chaser high. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 20~ I came into this world covered in someone else’s blood and screaming. I’m not afraid to leave it the same way. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 21~ According to scientists, alcohol is a solution. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 1~ A blank is the only thing I draw well. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 2~ Note to self: Thanks for always being there. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 3~ Coffee doesn’t ask silly questions. Coffee understands. — BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 4~ My boyfriend called me a stalker. Well, he’s not actually my boyfriend… — STATUS UPDATE
Chapter 5~ I’m only here to establish an alibi. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 6~ Sometimes I wrestle my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle. — BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 7~ I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 8~ Clothes? Sufficient / Keys? found ’em / Coffee cup? full / Sanity? sanity? — T-SHIRT
Chapter 9~ I don’t know what I’d do without coffee. Probably 15 to 20 in the state pen. — BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 10~ I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 11~ It’s a beautiful day. I think I’ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit. — BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 12~ I have a perfect body. It’s in my trunk. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 13~ Sometimes I write “drink coffee” on my to-do list just to feel like I’ve accomplished something. — STATUS UPDATE
Chapter 14~ The fastest way to a man’s heart is by tearing a hole through his rib cage. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 15~ The most important thing is to not be on fire. Ask someone who is on fire, and they will tell you that the most important thing is to not be on fire. — TRUE FACT
Chapter 16~ Danger: Attitude subject to change without notice. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 17~ Oh, my. What a lovely shade of bitch you’re wearing today. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 18~ Remember, it’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eyeball, and then it’s, “Hey! free eyeball!” — T-SHIRT
Chapter 19~ Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? — T-SHIRT
Chapter 20~ There should be one line at every store for people who have their shit together. — TRUE FACT
Chapter 21 ~Misery loves company, which explains my sudden popularity. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 22~ On a scale of one to stepping on a LEGO, how much pain are you in? — SIGN IN HOSPITAL
Chapter 23~Bad decisions make good stories. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 24 ~ More caffeine! I’ve got lives to ruin! — T-SHIRT
Chapter 1~ I often question my sanity. Occasionally, it replies. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 2~ We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours. — BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 3~ I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. — BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 4~ I don’t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 5~ Of course I’m an organ donor. Who wouldn’t want a piece of this? — T-SHIRT
Chapter 6~ My life is just like a soap opera filmed in a psychiatric ward. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 7~ Restraint: not just for sex anymore. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 8~ Most of what I call “cooking” is just melting cheese on stuff. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 9~ See owner for mounting instructions. — NOVELTY UNDERWEAR
Chapter 10~ You’re the reason I get up in the morning. That, and I need to pee. — E-CARD
Chapter 11~ “A wine, please.” “Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.” “Okay, a McWine, please.” — MCDONALD’S DRIVE-THROUGH, 2 A.M
Chapter 12~ I don’t want you to forget this moment. In about a week, I’ll come up with a scathing retort. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 13~ Help someone when they’re in trouble, and they’ll remember you when they’re in trouble again. — FORTUNE COOKIE
Chapter 14~ If I’m upset, hold me and tell me how beautiful I am. If I growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate. — BEST. ADVICE. EVER.
Chapter 15~ Lead me not into temptation. Follow me instead! I know a shortcut! — T-SHIRT
Chapter 16~ Never underestimate the power of termites. — BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 17~ I already know I’m going to hell. At this point, it’s really go big or go home. — T-SHIRT
Chapter 18~ mawage \’mah-’wahge\ n. 1; a bwessed awangement 2; a dweam wifin a dweam — T-SHIRT
Chapter 1~ Sometimes I crave pickles. Other times I crave the blood of my enemy. Weird. – Charley Davidson
Chapter 2~ Irony: Tho Opposite of Wrinkly. – T-Shirt
Chapter 3~ Cremation of the body is final. – Sign in Funeral Home
Chapter 4~ Sometimes I wonder if the purpose of my life is to serve as a cuationary tale to others. – T-Shirt
Chapter 5~ Some days I look back on my life and I’m extremely impressed I’m still alive. – T-Shirt
Chapter 6~ My death will probably be caused by being sarcastic at the wrong time. – True Fact
Chapter 7~ A friend will help you if someone knocks you down. A best fried will pic up a bat and say. “Stay down. I got this.” – True Story
Chapter 8~ Anxiety Girl! Able to Jump to the wrong conclusion in a single bound. – T-Shirt
Chapter 9~ Applicants must pass an oral exam before advancing to the next course. – Novelty Underwear
Chapter 10~ People will stop asking questions if you answer back in interpretive dance. – T-shirt
Chapter 11~ God gives us only what we can handle. Apparently, God thinks I’m a badass. – Bumper Sticker
Chapter 12~ It was a sad a disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the universe. (Not even remotely.) – MEME
Chapter 13~ Nope. Can’t go to Hell. Satan still has a restraining order against me. – Bumper Sticker
Chapter 14~ I have completely mastered the right way of doing everything wrong. – T-shirt
Chapter 15~ Like the suicidal raccoon, I, Too, will fuck up your alignment if you run me over. – T-Shirt
Chapter 16~ Earth: The Insane Asylum of the Universe. – T-Shirt
Chapter 1 ~ Remember, it’s never too late to give LSD a shot. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 2 ~ Alex, I’ll take The Slightly Less Traumatic Life for $400.—JEOPARDY! CONTESTANT
Chapter 3 ~ You can’t make someone love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best. —INTERNET MEME
Chapter 4 ~ Being an adult means never having to show your work on math problems. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 5 ~ I don’t think I could ever complete anyone. But driving someone insane sounds doable.—INTERNET MEME
Chapter 6 ~ I have seen things. Awful things. Empty coffee cup things.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 7 ~ I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life. If I die next Thursday. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 8 ~ A lot of people are alive because I shed too much hair to get away with murder. —INTERNET MEME
Chapter 9 ~ Without coffee, I’m just a really tall two-year-old. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 10 ~Signs you drink too much coffee: You don’t sweat. You percolate. —INTERNET MEME
Chapter 11 ~ I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of awesomeness and badassery. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 12 ~ Signs you drink too much coffee: Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. —INTERNET MEME
Chapter 13 ~ A dyslexic man walks into a bra… —T-SHIRT
Chapter 14 ~ Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.—BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 15 ~ I don’t understand your specific kind of crazy, But I do admire your commitment to it. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 16 ~ Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of my productivity.—T-SHIRT
Chapter 17 ~ Ahhh, Friday… My second favorite F-word. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 18 ~ If only one of my personalities liked to clean house. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 19 ~ I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around the courtroom. —INTERNET MEME
Chapter 20 ~ Life ain’t all burritos and strippers, my friend.—TRUE FACT
Chapter 21 ~ I see dead people. No, wait. I take that back. I see people I want dead. —ECARD
Chapter 22 ~ Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It’s when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out. —INTERNET MEME
Chapter 23 ~ We are the granddaughters of the witches you weren’t able to burn.—UNKNOWN
Chapter 1 ~ Charley Davison: Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s caffeine.
Chapter 2 ~You can’t control everything. Your hair was put on your head to remind you of that. —Meme
Chapter 3 ~ What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (—Asking for a friend.)
Chapter 4 ~ I tried to start a gang once. It turned into a book club. —Meme
Chapter 5 ~ My love is like a candle. Carry me and I’ll light your path. Forget me and I’ll burn your fucking house down. —T-shirt
Chapter 6 ~ I can never remember if I’m the good sister or the evil one. —T-shirt
Chapter 7 ~ It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. —Dave Barry
Chapter 8 ~ I’m not a ride-or-die kind of girl. I have questions. Where are we riding to? Why do I have to die? Can we get food on the way? —Meme
Chapter 9 ~When I was a kid… No, wait, I still do that. —T-shirt
Chapter 10 ~I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me. —True Fact
Chapter 11 ~ If one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted. —Bumper Sticker
Chapter 12 ~ I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up. Mostly, cause I’m still looking for ideas. —Meme
Chapter 13 ~I’m fairly certain that, given a cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world. —True Fact
Chapter 14 ~ Just when you think you have all of your ducks in a row, someone comes along and teaches you the recipe to Duck a l’Orange, and you realize you can live without a duck or two. —Meme
Chapter 15 ~ I miss being able to slam the phone down in anger. Violently pressing “End Call” just isn’t the same. —Meme
Chapter 16 ~ Right? And I’m not even on drugs. —T-shirt
Chapter 17 ~The man who invented chocolate vodka more than makes up for the bastard who invented pantyhose. —Katie Graykowski
Chapter 18 ~ Things we hated as children: Naps and being spanked. Things we love as adults: Naps and being spanked. —Meme
Chapter 19 ~ I’m one step away from being rich. All I need now is money. —Meme
Chapter 20 ~ Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. —Meme
Chapter 21 ~ Coffee Debauchery Madness One down. Two to go.—Status Update
Chapter 22 ~ My decision-making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street. —Meme
Chapter 23 ~ I was ready to take on the world, until I saw something sparkly.—T-shirt
Chapter 24~ My family’s coat of arms is a wrap around and ties in the back. Is that normal? —Mostly True Fact
Chapter 25~ If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. —Stephen Wright
Chapter 26~ Don’t borrow trouble. Gotcha. So, then, can I rent it? —Charley Davidson
Chapter 27~ Hearts are wild creatures. That’s why our ribs are cages.—Author Unknown
Chapter 28~The fact that there’s a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.—Meme
Chapter 29~ Would someone please poke holes in the lid of my jar? —T-shirt
Chapter 1 ~ Lord, help me be the sort of person my psychiatrist medicates me to be. —T-shirt
Chapter 2 ~ Insanity takes its toll. Please have exact change. —Meme
Chapter 3 ~ Talking to yourself is okay. Answering back is risky. —Brian Spellman
Chapter 4 ~ Why yes, I have discovered the joy of cooking. It’s when my husband does it.—Meme
Chapter 5 ~ She has moments when she seems stable, but then so does nitroglycerin. b—Meme
Chapter 6 ~ A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder. —Meme
Chapter 7 ~ I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet, so if I get a life, I’ll be notified immediately. —Bumper sticker
Chapter 8 ~ Children see magic because they look for it. —Christopher Moore
Chapter 9 ~ Everyone complains about the weather, but no one wants to sacrifice a virgin to change it. —True fact
Chapter 10 ~ Thank God I don’t have to hunt for my food. I don’t even know where tacos live. —Meme
Chapter 11 ~ I never said I’d die without coffee. I said other people would. —Meme
Chapter 12 ~ I talk an awful lot of shit for someone who can’t put underwear on without tipping over. —T-shirt
Chapter 13 ~ Some days I just stay inside, because it feels too peopley out there.—True fact
Chapter 14 ~ Bat-shit crazy really brings out the color in my eyes. —T-shirt
Chapter 15 ~ If at first you don’t succeed, it’s only “attempted” murder. —Meme
Chapter 16 ~ Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my needs.—T-shirt
Chapter 17 ~ My entire life can be summed up in one sentence: “Well, that didn’t go as planned.” —T-shirt
Chapter 18 ~ Life isn’t a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk. —Meme
Chapter 19 ~ I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure.—T-shirt
Chapter 20 ~ She has been through hell, so believe me when I say,fear her when she looks into a fire and smiles. —E. Corona
Chapter 21 ~ I ran out of coffee this morning. Tequila seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today! —Meme
Chapter 1 ~ Coffee: A warm, delicious alternative to hating everyone forever. —TRUE FACT
Chapter 2 ~ I don’t want to look pretty. I want to look otherworldly and vaguely threatening. —MEME
Chapter 3 ~ It’s weird how you can be in love with someone one day, and hunting them for sport the next. —MEME
Chapter 4 ~ I once made a pot of coffee so strong, it opened a jar for me. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 5 ~ If I manage to survive the rest of the week, I would like my straightjacket hot pink and my helmet sparkly. —TRUE FACT
Chapter 6 ~ I always carry a knife in my purse …you know, in case of cheesecake or something. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 7 ~ I’ll tell you what’s wrong with society. No one drinks from the skulls of their enemies anymore. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 8 ~ Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my vodka and nachos?—MEME
Chapter 9 ~ I’m not saying I don’t like you. I’m just saying I’d unplug your life support to make a pot of coffee. —MEME
Chapter 10 ~ God is love, but Satan does that thing you like with his tongue. —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 11 ~ Never ask a woman who’s eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing. —BUMPER STICKER
Chapter 12 ~ If I were a Jedi, there’s a 100% chance I’d use the Force inappropriately. —TRUE FACT
Chapter 13 ~ Apparently, “Just fuck me up” is not an appropriate coffee order at Starbucks. —MEME
Chapter 14 ~ Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge. —MEME
Chapter 15 ~ That which doesn’t kill me, makes me weirder and harder to relate to. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 16 ~ It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim. —TRUE FACT
Chapter 17 ~ Apparently “spite” is not an appropriate answer to, “What motivates you?” —MEME
Chapter 18 ~ They say it’s what’s inside that counts. I agree, but I’m keeping my hair appointment just in case. —T-SHIRT
Chapter 19 ~ I try to just take one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me at once. —MEME
Chapter 20 ~ The Devil whispered in my ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.” Today I whispered back, “I am the storm.” —MEME
Chapter 1 ~ What, pray tell, the fuck? —T-shirt
Chapter 2 ~ Safety first! Just kidding. Coffee first. Safety’s, like, third or fourth. —Meme
Chapter 3 ~ A day without coffee is like . . . Just kidding. I have no idea. —True Fact
Chapter 4 ~A lot of days I truly expect my horoscope to say, “Just don’t kill anyone today.”—Meme
Chapter 5 ~ Patience: That thing you have when there are too many witnesses. —T-shirt
Chapter 6 ~ I need something that’s more than coffee but less than cocaine. —Meme
Chapter 7 ~ Coffee helps me maintain my “never killed anyone” streak. —T-shirt
Chapter 8 ~ I’m not really into the whole “rise and shine” thing. Most days I just caffeinate and hope for the best. —Bumper Sticker
Chapter 9 ~ I want to be the reason you tilt your phone away from others when you read it. —Meme
Chapter 10 ~ I’m not sure I can physically handle much more of this “getting out of bed” nonsense. —Meme
Chapter 11 ~ I’m not much on seizing the day. I’m more of a “poke it with a stick” kind of girl. —T-shirt
Chapter 12 ~ You never know what I’ll have up my sleeve. Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet. —True Fact
Chapter 13 ~ The doctor called today. Apparently my blood type has changed from “O Positive” to “Mountain Roast.” —Meme
Chapter 14 ~ Trust me. You can dance. —Vodka
Chapter 15 ~ Your clothes would look nicer on my bedroom floor. —T-shirt
Chapter 16 ~ If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur. —T-shirt
Chapter 17 ~ You had me at, “We’ll make it look like an accident.” —T-shirt
Chapter 18 ~ I’m not on the crazy train. Trains go fast. It’s more like a wagon. A long, slow ride on the crazy wagon. —Meme
Chapter 19 ~ Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense. —True Fact
Chapter 20 ~ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that. —T-shirt
Chapter 21 ~ You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have one of those. —Meme
Chapter 22 ~ Coffee makes everything okayer. —Meme
Chapter 23 ~ So, when is “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in? —Meme
Chapter 24 ~ Charley Davidson and Reyes Farrow: That thing that happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object. —True Fact
Chapter 1~There are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe in magic and those who are wrong.
Chapter 2 ~ Guys, gray in the beard is sexy. Leave it alone. -Grown Ass Women
Chapter 3 ~ MEN: Women are very hard to read.
WOMEN: Actually, we just want—
MEN: Such complex creatures.
WOMEN: If you’d just liste—
MEN: So mysterious. -Actual Conversation
Chapter 4 ~ I’m a coffeeholic on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m on the road to the coffee shop. -True Story
Chapter 5 ~ Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life and makes your heart race. We call these people cops. -Meme
Chapter 6 ~ Sing like no one is listening. Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart. -Meme
Chapter 7 ~ Sing like no one is listening. Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart. -Meme
Chapter 8 ~ Karma’s just sharpening her nails and finishing her drink. She’ll be with you shortly. -Meme
Chapter 9 ~ I was taught to think before I act. So if I smack you, rest assured, I’ve thought about it and am confident in my decision. -T-shirt
Chapter 10 ~ People who tolerate me on a daily basis . . . they’re the real heroes. -Meme
Chapter 11 ~ I’m not sure if I attract crazy, or if I make them that way. -T-shirt
Chapter 12 ~ Don’t break anybody’s heart. They only have one. Break their bones. They have, like, 206. -Advice from Dear Abigail
Chapter 13 ~ Can anyone tell me if “the skulls of your enemies” are dishwasher safe? -Q& A Forum for Housewives
Chapter 14~ If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side. -Meme
Chapter 15~ I’m giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Drinking for a month. -Meme
Chapter 16~ If he eats French fries with a fork, he’s probably not going to do that thing you like with his tongue. -True fact
Chapter 17~ One day I was born. Then everything bothered me. And that brings us up to date. -Defiance Dayne: A Memoir
Chapter 1~Time flies over us but leaves its shadow behind.-Sign in The House of the Seven Gables, Salem, MA
Chapter 2~ Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Into what?
Chapter 3~ Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today. -True Fact
Chapter 4~ In my defense,I was left unsupervised.-Meme
Chapter 5~ Four out of Five dentists agree: lying through your teeth does NOT count as flossing. -Meme
Chapter 6~ If overthinking situations burned calories I’d be dead.-Meme
Chapter 7~ When people are dead, they don’t know they’re dead. It’s the same thing when people are stupid. -Meme
Chapter 8~ If I’m ever known as the one who got away, it will be from an asylum. -Meme
Chapter 9~ …if you get a link called ‘free porn’ don’t opin it. It is a virus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I don’t uatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends. Wanks. -PSA
Chapter 10~ If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where I can return Monday. -Meme
Chapter 11~ Some days even the devil sits back and admires my work. -Meme
Chapter 12~ Sometimes I wonder if all of this is happening because I didn’t forward that message to ten other people.-Meme
Chapter 13~ Today I’m wearing a lovely shade of I slept like shit so don’t piss me off. -T-shirt
Chapter 14~ I’m not saying I drink too much coffee, but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death. -Meme
Chapter 15~ May the bridges I burn light the way. -Proverb
Chapter 16~ I think I seized the wrong day.-True Fact
Chapter 1~ What doesn’t kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor. —Meme
Chapter 2~ You know you drink too much coffee if: You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. —Meme
Chapter 3~ Question everything. Except coffee. —Meme
Chapter 4~ A good night’s rest can make you feel energized, motivated, and ready to take on the world. Oh, sorry, that’s coffee. Coffee does that. —Meme
Chapter 5~You know you drink too much coffee if: You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.—Meme
Chapter 6~ Before calling, ask yourself… Is this textable? —T-shirt
Chapter 7~ You know you drink too much coffee if: You run twenty miles on the treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.—Meme
Chapter 8~ I don’t think I get enough credit for doing all of this unmedicated.—Meme
Chapter 9~ I like it when people call me “ma’am.” I just wish they wouldn’t follow it up with “you’re making a scene.” —Meme
Chapter 10~ Wanted: Someone to feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange. No weirdos. —Help wanted ad
Chapter 11~ You know you drink too much coffee if: You go to AA meetings for the free java. —Meme
Chapter 12~Once upon a time, there was a girl who really loved coffee. It was me.The end. —True story
Chapter 13~ Sometimes I stand in the shower for ten minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes, your secrets are safe with me. —True fact
Chapter 14~ What does not kill you will likely try again.—Meme
Chapter 15~ I wonder how many WTFs today will bring.—Meme
Chapter 16~THEM: I’ll see you in hell! ME: Call first. No pop-ins.—Meme
Chapter 17~ Sometimes I go hours without drinking coffee. It’s called sleeping. —Meme
Chapter 18~ I live by trial and error, but mostly error. A shit ton of error.—Meme
Chapter 19~ Trauma? Oh, you mean the reason I’m fucking hilarious.—T-shirt
Chapter 20~ Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Whatever works. —Meme
Chapter 21~Underestimate me. That’ll be fun.—T-shirt
Chapter 22~ If every day is a gift, then today was socks.—Meme
Chapter 1 ~ Welcome to Del Sol,a town full of sunshine,fresh air, and friendly faces. (Barring three or four old grouches.)
Chapter 2 ~ There is simply no way everybody was kung fu fighting. —Sign at Del Sol Mixed Martial Arts and Dance Studio
Chapter 3 ~ Faculty parking only. Violators will be given a pop quiz.—Sign at Del Sol High School
Chapter 4 ~ Skinny people are easier to kidnap. Stay safe.Eat cake.—Sign at The Sugar Shack
Chapter 5 ~ Multiple complaints of a man covered in green paint running down Main Street throwing Lucky Charms at tourists. Suspect is not believed to actually be a leprechaun. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 6 ~ Today’s Special: You! You are special! (Also, the chicken burrito is $5.) —Sign at Tia Juana’s Fine Mexican Cuisine
Chapter 7 ~ Del Sol deputies responded to a call claiming that patrons of the Pecos Street Grocers were being harassed by a man on a drunken joyride with a motorized scooter from Walmart. It should be noted that Del Sol does not have a Walmart. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 8 ~ How to Twerk: Step 1: Don’t —Sign at Del Sol Mixed Martial Arts and Dance Studio
Chapter 9 ~ Robbery suspect apprehended when Deputy Cooper entered the building through a jimmied door and yelled, “Marco!” The suspect responded with, “Polo,” and was promptly arrested. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 10 ~ Soup of the Day: Whiskey —Sign at the Roadhouse Bar and Grill
Chapter 11 ~ Suspect arrested for shoplifting a travel-sized toothpaste and for murdering his neighbor. The incidents do not seem to be related. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 12 ~ One shot of our espresso, and you’ll be able to thread a sewing machine. While it’s running. —Sign at Caffeine-Wah
Chapter 13 ~ Several callers complained about thongs hanging from an eighty-five-year-old female’s apple tree. When questioned, she explained, “It was either the apple tree or the azalea bush.” —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 14 ~ Autocorrect has become our own worst enema. —Sign at Del Sol Cellular
Chapter 15 ~ Go ahead! Try starting you day without coffee! Our deputies need a few more arrests to make their quota.—Sign at Caffeine-Wah
Chapter 16 ~ Two elderly sisters reported a man in the house across the street watching them for hours at a time. Deputies ID’d the man as a cardboard cutout of Captain America. The sisters grew distraught when they found out he wasn’t real and were transported to the Del Sol Urgent Care Center for observation. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 17 ~ She believed she could, so she did. Now she needs bail money. We are here to help! —Sign at Del Sol Bail Bonds
Chapter 18 ~ Our favorite flavor of cake is more. —Sign at The Sugar Shack
Chapter 19 ~ Deputy Salazar responded to a report of a woman stopping at mailboxes and going through residents’ mail. Upon further investigation, it was the mail carrier. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 20 ~ Caller reported man at Del Sol Lake forcibly baptizing the children swimming there. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 21 ~ Need an alibi? Spend $50 or more on mixed drinks and you were here all night, no questions asked. —Sign at The Roadhouse Bar and Grill
Chapter 22 ~ It’s all fun and games until Russia tries to hack our queso recipe.—Sign at Tia Juana’s Fine Mexican Cuisine
Chapter 23 ~ Not all Mondays fall on Monday. Stop in for a pick-me-up any day of the week!—Sign at Caffeine-Wah
Chapter 24 ~ Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. Don’t worry. We can help. —Sign at Del Sol Mental Health Resources
Chapter 25 ~ Caller reported his wife missing for eighteen months.Is starting to get worried. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 26 ~ Church parking only. Violators will be baptized. —Sign at Del Sol Church on the Rocks
Chapter 27 ~ Caller reported 50 lbs. of green chile stolen from his freezer. A national manhunt is under way. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 1 ~ Welcome to Del Sol,Home of Something . . .
Chapter 2 ~ If you don’t talk to your cat about catnip, who will? —Sign at Del Sol Veterinary Clinic
Chapter 3 ~ Do we serve drunken, sarcastic assholes? Find out next week on We Think the Fuck Not. —Sign at The Roadhouse Bar and Grill
Chapter 4 ~ Makeup fades. Tacos are forever. —Sign at Tia Juana’s Fine Mexican Cuisine
Chapter 5 ~ Caller reported a man wearing a T-shirt that read, Who needs drugs? Underneath that in a smaller font it read, No seriously. I have drugs.
Man arrested on charges of drug possession. Deputy Salazar was grateful for the heads-up. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 6 ~ Did you accidentally go shopping on an empty stomach and are now the proud owner of aisle 4? We can help? —Sign at Del Sol Fitness & More
Chapter 7 ~ Sprinkles are for cupcakes, not toilets. —Sign in bathroom at The Sugar Shack
Chapter 8 ~ Big girls don’t cry.They pop a couple Xanax, wash them down with vodka,and set a car on fire. If you are this girl, we can help.—Sign at Dale Saul, Attorney at Law
Chapter 9 ~ If you refer to your librarian as your dealer, this is the place for you. —Sign at Del Sol Public Library
Chapter 10 ~ Forecast for tonight:Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.—Sign at The Roadhouse Bar and Grill
Chapter 11 ~ Does your heart say chocolate and wine,but your jeans say, for the love of God, woman, eat a salad? Check out our no-commitment memberships! —Sign at Del Sol Fitness & More
Chapter 12 ~ If it turns out you’re not an afternoon person, either, we can help! —Sign at Caffeine-Wah
Chapter 13 ~ At that awkward stage between birth and death?We can help you through it! —Sign at Del Sol Brokerage and Psychic Readings
Chapter 14 ~ Arrested for holding hands in public because they didn’t know you and made a scene? We can help!—Sign at Dale Saul, Attorney at Law
Chapter 15 ~ Man arrested for practicing karate on swans.The swans won. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 16 ~ Caller reported a suspicious man carrying duct tape, rope, and a shovel. Chief Deputy Cooper responded. It was the stock boy at Del Sol Hardware. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 17 ~ Many have eaten here. Few have died.—Sign in the kitchen of Sunshine Vicram
Chapter 18 ~ Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. Let us help you plan for your future! —Sign at Del Sol Brokerage and Psychic Readings
Chapter 19 ~ If your housekeeping style is best described as “There appears to have been a struggle?” Let us help! —Sign at Del Sol Cleaning Service
Chapter 20 ~ Do you love your job? No. But does it afford you the ability to go on lavish vacations and buy anything you want? Also no. And that’s where we can help! Stop in for a free portfolio consultation and get 10% off your first psychic reading. —Sign at Del Sol Brokerage and Psychic Readings
Chapter 21 ~ Driver reported he swerved to miss a tree. It was later discovered to be his air freshener. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 22 ~ Some days you are on top of the world.Other days you are on top of the world, only naked and screaming profanities at your individual strands of hair. We can help. Stop in for a free consultation.—Sign at Del Sol Mental Health Resources
Chapter 23 ~ Donate blood today! Please note: It must be your blood. —Sign at Del Sol Urgent Care Center
Chapter 24 ~ Sunday’s service will discuss which page of the Bible explains how to turn water into wine. Come early. Full house expected. —Sign at Del Sol Church on the Rocks
Chapter 25 ~ Reason You Need Coffee #247: It’s difficult to work with your eyes closed. —Sign at Caffeine-Wah
Chapter 26 ~ Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink. —Sign at The Roadhouse Bar and Grill
Chapter 27 ~ Caller reported the little boy across the street must’ve heard something he shouldn’t have. He keeps licking whipped cream off her cat. —Del Sol police blotter
Chapter 28 ~ Free belly rubs with exam! (Sorry, pets only. And Levi Ravinder.) —Sign at Del Sol Veterinary Clinic
Chapter 29 ~ If one day when you’re famous people will say things like,“I used to work with her” or “We were Facebook friends” or “I’m not surprised she used an axe,” book an appointment with us immediately. —Sign at Del Sol Mental Health Resources
Chapter 30 ~ Celebrating the fact that you don’t have enough friends for an intervention? First drink is on the house!—Sign at The Roadhouse Bar and Grill
Chapter 31~ If that annoying knock is coming from the motor and not the trunk,stop by for a free checkup. —Sign at Gary’s Garage
